Hi, I’m Dan420. I'd like to tell you about the Toronto Global Marijuana March. Held every year in May, this event is a day-long blast ‘o massive FUN. I smoke my face off at the Toronto Global Marijuana March every year. Literally! And to the person who found my eyebrows in the park last May and mailed them to me, I thank you sincerely.
Here's a pic of me with a hot babe at the 2005 Toronto March. Note my incipient total lack of hair and solar ray reflecting forehead. And incredibly stupid facial expression. I always make that kind of face when I touch women. Mmm. Soft.
I’d like to share my tips with you, the Toronto Marijuana Activist, on how to get the maximum amount of sheer unadulterated JOY from this year’s Toronto Global Marijuana March. I'll skip over common sense suggestions such as "bring good weed" or "wear sunscreen". Instead, let's get right to the less known but very crucial information you'll need to truly enjoy the Toronto March this year and next. One thing I can tell you right now, never annoy a screaming man who wears a Santa Hat (with antlers) and a towel:
Spot the colorful character doing Tai Chi in this picture and win a magic prize!
But I'm getting ahead of myself. To all you poor bastards not living in Toronto, I wish I could expand the scope of this article to “Ten Fun Things to Do At Any Global Marijuana March”, but I’ve never attended a Global March outside of Toronto. I suppose the same principles I list below could be applied to your own city’s particular Global Marijuana March…that is, if your city is filled with hot babes, scary eccentric people wearing towels, and evil clowns.
Holy FUCK! EVIL CLOWN! RUN! Just...just RUN!!!
But even if your city isn’t graced with such mentally well-balanced citizens, Dan420 hopes you’ll get some ideas out of the following advice. First and foremost, tell all the cannabis smokers you know about the Marijuana March. More people at the event means a greater positive impression to the public about legalized marijuana. And if your city doesn’t have a Global March, organize one! Why not? The worst the police can do is take your marijuana, throw you in a cold cell, and beat you repeatedly! Err…I mean…
I didn't take this picture, I just think it's funny...especially when we're talking about the cops.
Cannabis prohibition is a horrible madness in our society. Hopefully, one glorious day, the insanity will end. But probably not soon, and certainly not due to any of my dumb-ass contributions (such as this article). Regardless, I always say roll a joint and have faith. Blaze up and enjoy Dan420’s Ten Fun Things To Do At The Global Marijuana March:
1. Smoke sweet, sweet marijuana at the Toronto Global Marijuana March!
Everybody loves smoking cannabis at the Toronto Global Marijuana March. You’ll see blunts, spliffs, bongs, and vaporizers, as well as the obligatory foot-long joints. Bring some bud to share with other activists; you’ll make new friends, and that's good, because you may need physical assistance leaving the event after a full day of heavy smoking (note that Dan420 is not talking from experience, vicious rumors to the contrary).
That's either a bong or an asthma inhaler by H.R. Giger...
Okay, I've been pretty goddamned STONED at the event these past years, but I've never been carried out of a Global Marijuana March. I do admit staggering out into the parking lot after the March, peering into car windows with red eyes in the hopes of finding the person who's driving me to the after-party... only to be rewarded by horrified grandmothers looking back into my drugged, confused face. And it doesn't help calm Grandma down one bit when she sees a big bald guy accompanied by another maniac dressed like a joint:
Always accept a bong hit from a man dressed like a joint.
Fortunately I'm a pretty friendly looking guy, or too dumb-looking to appear to be a real threat. Even the elderly get to like Dan420 after awhile, since we all know old people smoke marijuana to relieve the aches and pains of glaucoma, arthritis, and screaming grandchildren. My mom smokes, and every time I visit her she's like, "Son! Roll your poor mother a bomber...I was in labour for three day with you...oh, the pain...". OKAY, MOM! I GET THE IDEA. My mom's been smoking cannabis for so long it takes pretty big joints to get her stoned; something along the lines of this:
The amazing thing is, that's a roach...NICE BOGARTING THE JOINT, MOM!
But getting high on kind bud isn't the total Toronto Global Marijuana March experience, contrary as that may seem. There's always...
2. Looking at the pretty girls at the Toronto Global Marijuana March!
Like a brontosaurus riddled with sphincters, Toronto oozes beautiful women. Their heaving bosoms, glistening lips, long smooth oh god legs gracing upwards into firm yet supple derrieres that OH GOD jUST KLAD)@{#YU}@(#$
I tried googling "brontosaurus riddled with sphincters" in the hopes of find an accompanying graphic to the horrible metaphor, but no luck.
I’m sorry. Toronto is home to the world’s most beautiful women. Since many of these perfect examples of feminine pulchritude also enjoy cannabis, the Toronto Global Marijuana March is blessed every year by countless gorgeous "Stoner Chicks":
Perfect example of a cute "Stoner Chick". She's so pretty...I bet even her farts smell like a rain-misted spring-time meadow.
If you’re a hetero-leaning male, Lesbian, or male fantasizing he was a Lesbian (i.e. me, Dan420), you’ll thank the Goddess Herself for the myriad angelic visions of womanly exquisiteness wandering about the vendor tables. Warning: most of the Stoner Chicks attending the March look down upon lusting, salivating males with a mixture of bemusement and disgust, an emotion known as “No, I Won’t Give You My Phone Number”.
Err... I, uh... the camera went off accidentally... OKAY, CUT ME SOME SLACK FOR GOD'S SAKES! Look at those firm, round buttocks...CAN YOU BLAME ME?!? Yes, yes, I disgust myself, yes, yes already...
I'm not a feminist (although I play one on TV), but Dan420 is certainly no misogynist. When I say, "Stoner Chicks" I don't mean any insult by using the slightly-offensive slang term "chick". Hell, why further damage my already almost non-existent chances of establishing a life-long meaningful relationship with a cannabis smoking woman? I do love and respect women everywhere, honestly. Last year I took many pictures demonstrating my gentlemanly regard for the fairer sex:
Okay, Okay, OKAY! I know taking the above photograph was wrong of me! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! BAD DAN420! BAD! NO JOINT FOR YOU! But... oh, it's so right...
Whoops. Okay, uh, never mind. Onto number three:
3. Observe stoned people climb the horse & rider statue at the Toronto Global Marijuana March!
There’s a horse & rider statue in the park where the vendors set up for the Toronto Global Marijuana March. I've thought about looking up the name of the monument, but that would go against my Slacker nature. Suffice it to say, each and every single year the Toronto March takes place the edifice is turned into a jungle gym by stoned, giggling climbers:
Like Elvis on a cheeseburger, the stoners swarm the statue...
Fortunately there haven’t been any serious injuries (yet), but I personally cannot comprehend the logic behind this particular combination of marijuana and gravity. People are warned to stay off the goddamn thing, but in my opinion the organizers of the Toronto March should just admit defeat and hang a big “CLIMB ME” sign on the statue.
"Sorry about that, Rutherford... ol' Rex loves to hump any leg he can."
Climbing the statue has become a proud tradition of pointlessness and personal stupidity at the Toronto Global Marijuana March, and everyone attending the event watches out of the corner of their respective eyes for someone to fall off of the statue's head. But that hasn't happened (yet).
The horse fears where that guy's right foot is heading...
Maybe if I'm fast enough with my camera this year, and the smoke going around the park is strong enough, Dan420 will have a real exciting picture for the 2006 report! I'm just joking, I don't want anyone to get hurt from climbing the statue, as much as their THC-addled brain deserves it. My real dream picture is a photo of cops smoking cannabis (that they stole from the evidence locker, natch), but if the police saw me taking their pic, they'd probably beat me with rubber hoses filled with small metal pellets.
But if climbing a statue isn't your thing, you can always put yourself in harm's way by:
4. Watching “Zanta”, local eccentric, perform pushups & other inexplicable acts at the Toronto Global Marijuana March!
" SAYZ YES t. WE└ D! Merry X-Mas " Well, if Zanta says it, it must be true...
Zanta is one of the local “colorful individuals” you’ll eventually (and unavoidably) meet in Toronto. He’s an eccentric fellow with three joys in life: wearing a Santa hat throughout the year, performing push-ups in public places, and screaming at random people. Zanta has become a minor celebrity in Toronto, with a fan site on LiveJournal and a documentary. He’s an unmistakable public spectacle at every Toronto Global Marijuana March, and if you are real lucky, Zanta will interact with you and your family in new & interesting ways! But don’t touch his hat. Don’t… touch… his… hat...
The haunting refrain of Zanta's screams...
I've never talked to Zanta, because people weirder than me scare the living shit out of me. Hey, c'mon, I'm just being honest. And I simply cannot handle people screaming at me because I used to be married. And you've never heard a louder woman than my ex-wife when she was mightily pissed. Which, in her borderline personality disordered world, was 24/7. I still have a small ringing in my ears to this very day. Hmm... maybe the fear my ex-wife implanted in my soul is my main obstacle in meeting women? Wait, wait, wait... why am I opening up to you? If you're like everyone else who listens to my problems, you just snicker derisively and mock my pain. But I guess my personal problems don't compare to a man who wears a Santa Hat, towel, and construction boots each and every day:
Any push-ups, anywhere, anytime...
Listen, I've heard Zanta screaming random phrases at random people, and I don't want to be a part of that scene. I got enough inner demons to deal with, I don't need a Santa hat-wearin' Vision O' Stark Terror gripping my poor soul. But I've heard a lot of people say Zanta's a cool guy, and anyone with the balls to do push-ups wherever and whenever the hell he wants is 100% ALL RIGHT with Dan420. May you live long and rattle the Normals forever, Saint Zanta.
On the topic of eccentric, cool people, let's move onto...
5. Enjoying the punk bands at the Toronto Global Marijuana March!
There are always great bands at the Toronto March because the city is constantly producing top-notch musical acts. And since Punk is essentially the act of protest, you’ll see very talented yet angry musicians at the Toronto Global Marijuana March. Such as the singer pictured below, “Steve the Punk”, who hails from Kensington Market:
Say a big "Howdy" to Steve the Punk. Rest assured, he likes you.
Don’t let his furious demeanor put you off; Steve’s a great guy who hates banks, corporations, and the self-devouring death trip into which our society is currently spiraling down. Trust me, he’s the kind of guy you’ll want in your survival commune when civilization collapses. Say “Howdy, Steve the Punk!” to Steve the Punk at this year’s 2006 Cannabis March and he will hug you. But don't tell him Dan420 told you to do it...for the love of all that is holy don't tell him I told you to do it.
"And here's to all you lovely Stoner Chicks out there..." "...I'M GONNA DO THINGS TO YOU!!" Ha-ha! Just joking, Steve... don't hurt me...
There's lots of other types of musical entertainment at the Toronto Global Marijuana March. But I never listen to a group unless it has a pissed off punk lead singer, annoyed cute punk babe, and (of course) an evil clown, such as can be found with Steve and his band, the "Buncha Fuckin' Goofs":
Pssst... Steve... Steve! Evil Clown, stage left! Beware, the clown may trespass into your DREAMS...
I like the angry music of protest that Steve and his interesting friends play at the March. And I enjoy seeing Steve the Punk get pissed off at the people in the crowd who don't get the political message in his lyrics, and then he flips out like a ninja and assaults them. Steve's the ultimate entertainer. Hey, on the subject of music and flesh wounds, why not...
6. Have your picture taken with “FISTY THE CLOWN" at the Toronto Global Marijuana March!
You can probably tell from my blank yet horrified facial expression in the picture below that I don’t often pose with homicidal clowns. Say a big fearful hello to “Fisty The Clown”: entertainer, musician, and all-around Evil Carnival Serial Mutant. He plays in the same band as the aforementioned Steve the Punk, and did I mention, Fisty is VERY VERY BIG?
Above is the last picture taken of me before all of my hair fell out. GET OUT OF MY DREAMS, FISTY!! ... bastard... the sleep... she is no refuge...
I, Dan420, am six feet tall and broad-shouldered, and that huge bastard clown towers over me. Scares the living shit out of Dan420, let me tell you what. Just look at my expression again. But once you get under that gruff exterior of murderous greasepaint, Fisty the Clown is actually a gentle, compassionate soul who enjoys nothing better than slamming back countless 40 ounce bottles of beer.
Dan420 blesses you, Fisty the Clown... because I know a horrified God and Jesus never will.
Jesus CHRIST, that's one big clown. Now do you see why my dreams are the dreams of the DAMNED?!? I need a Stoner Chick to... hold me... please... just hold me...
7. Get your picture taken with the lovely Watermelon at the Toronto Global Marijuana March!
Ah, Watermelon. Watermelon, Watermelon, Watermelon. You’re so cute, I could just eat you out. Err, up! I meant UP! So cute I could eat you up. Oh, god...
Watermelon is pinching my bum in this picture... okay, no she's not... SIGH...so a man can dream...
Watermelon’s a very talented and funny entertainer, comedian, burlesque dancer, and 100%-certified BABE. And if she doesn’t kill me for that "eat you up" joke, a personal friend of mine. Of course, I’m bragging. Who the hell wouldn’t be proud to be Watermelon’s pal? I, Dan420, admit to having a bit of a crush on Watermelon. I mean, there are so many things I could do to her. FOR her. So many things I could do FOR her. OH GOD.
I'm sorry I don't have more pictures of Watermelon from the 2005 March. I continue to flagellate myself with a whip as penance to this day. To make it up to you, here's a really cute picture of a cat that had me as an owner awhile ago:
Awww... isn't he cute??? Sure, go ahead, email this picture to your sweet Aunt Matilda, why not? But if you do use this photo, please leave my name in the lower right hand corner. I mean, give an artist-writer-photographer guy like me a chance! We Activists don't steal like politicians, y'know. Hahaha, BURN TO YOU, POLITICIANS!
8. Ask people if they have a light at the Toronto Global Marijuana March!
Smart people attending the Toronto Global Marijuana March bring their own lighters to spark up joints ‘n bongs. This practice does not include Dan420, as I lose lighters more often than a seventh grade substitute teacher loses his patience at an out of control classroom. The pictures below document my last year’s mistake of asking for a light from someone whose name I cannot remember due to the subsequent post-traumatic stress disorder. Who knew freakin' FIRE-EATERS attended the Toronto March? Sure as hell not me! In my opinion, “Fire-Eater” is a bit of a misnomer; the professional title should be “Guys Who Spit Flammable Liquid At Nearby Stoned Photographers Whose Name Is Dan420”:
Dan420 to nice man in picture: "Hey, guy, you have a light for my joint?"
"You do? Thanks! My name is Dan420, would you happen to know of any single women I could... hey, why are you drinking gasoline and holding an open flame?"
"OH GOD THE HAIR I HAVE LEFT FROM THE FISTY NIGHTMARES IS GONE! GONE! ALL GONE! AND ALL I ASKED FOR WAS A LIGHT, Mr. FLAME BREATHER GUY, YOU!
I'm healing nicely, thank you for asking, although I get skittish around people putting too much starter fluid on their outdoor BBQ's. Oh sure, laugh it up, but has your ENTIRE FIELD OF PERCEPTION ever been filled with BRAIN-MELTINGLY HOT ORANGE & RED PAIN? I bet it HASN'T, thank you very much! Just after this incident... my eyebrows fell off. STOP LAUGHING AT ME! I got them back through the mail, remember? Admittedly though, between an over-excited Fire-Breather, a demonic clown who won't leave my dreams, and my constant hair-pulling over not getting laid... I'm one of the baldest sons of bitches in the Universe.
9. Watch the police officers talk amongst themselves, powerless to arrest anyone for cannabis smoking due to the massive crowds, at the Toronto Global Marijuana March!
My second favorite sight at every Toronto Global March (the first being the gorgeous Stoner Chicks turning me down for dates, of course). Police officers tend to stay in packs, both for offensive and defensive measures. “Offensive” in the sense of outnumbering and beating the living crap out of their sworn enemies, i.e. the general public; and “defensive” in the lack of power they feel when they cannot beat up thousands of cannabis smokers and one screaming bald guy on fire (as much as they wish they could).
"You raise your self-esteem through hostility towards the public? Me too!"
I wonder how many police officers smoke cannabis? Maybe if I check the bushes in the park at the Global Marijuana March more often, I'll find that one toking cop to get my dream photograph. That'd be a great picture... it'd probably earn a spot on the cover of "High Times" magazine. And earn me a beating from several anonymous burly plainclothes-wearing gentlemen at four in the morning. But we're talking "High Times" magazine here! Girls might actually want me! Ah, well, to dream. Not that my dreams are filled with laughing clowns wearing sunglasses and giving me guitar enemas. No matter the situation, it's always fun snapping pics of the cops hanging around each other and chatting:
I bet you an ounce of primo bud that the third cop from the left consumes over seventy-three doughnuts per day.
10. March for Marijuana
Legalization
at the Toronto Global Marijuana March!
But, of course, you just can’t miss marchin’ for the legal marijuana:
"We shall overthroooow... we shall overgrooowwww...". Say these words one hundred times a day and the Marijuana Godmother will visit you. Or you'll be institutionalized. Either way, it's a cool chant, no?
It's GREAT to walk down the street in the summertime smoking a doob, and it's BEYOND GREAT to be surrounded by thousands of people doing the same! It may not have the pomp, color or excited feminine shrieking of the annual Toronto Gay Pride parade, but you're assured to get a contact buzz from the Global Marijuana March anyways.
"Hey, I passed the joint over ten minutes ago and it hasn't come back to me yet..."
It’s amazing and gratifying to experience the honking horns and cheering crowds supporting the thousands of people making up the Toronto Global Marijuana March. And, every year, the same thing happens all over the world. Funny how so many millions of people wish to make marijuana legal, to have the freedom of choice to smoke cannabis, and yet the politicians continue to tell us that “the majority” want to keep the current insane prohibition laws on the books. Obviously, someone’s lying, and it ain’t YOU or ME. Damn money-grubbing, self-interested corporate bastards, they are to blame! I hate them all! MARIJUANA WILL WIN! WE WILL WIN!
Thousands of Toronto Marijuana Activists proudly march towards the end of prohibition. And the food vendors. Munchies!
So while the authorities and the police continue to rape our society and
personal rights, millions of marijuana activists continue to smoke and march for
freedom all over the globe. No matter how long the hypocritical and corrupt
lawmakers continue to ignore or arrest us, we people who benefit from
cannabis will continue to fight the good fight and smoke the good bud. With
screaming punks. With evil, musical clowns that still haunt my dreams to this
day. But, most importantly, in the
knowledge that we are RIGHT in our position of
decriminalizing marijuana!
Okay, I guess that’s enough "standing on the soapbox"... for now. Funny
how most of my cannabis articles end on an angry, self-righteous note. Dan420
apologizes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find a cute Stoner Chick &
her phone number. Or maybe Watermelon will be interested in a date with
dear, sweet ol' Dan420. Oh, sure, now you laugh....jaded
pothead smokers... makes me just want to go to bed... but
I can't... Fisty's there...
And as the dedicated crowd of marching activists stretches back to the horizon, the lone saxophonist plays a reggae battle riff. In the distance, the combined sounds of singing punks, angry evil clowns, and Dan420 getting turned down by beautiful women forms a pleasant background. Life Goes On...with beautiful, healthy Cannabis and wonderful Friends, Family, & Activists.
EVENTS IN TORONTO (click here for details)
March 30,2006 Volunteer Nite. Location on Thursday 7-10pm Club Neutral 349 College at Augusta (Close to the Hot Box if ya need a reference) Come on out and be part of Canada's Premiere Pot Party!!!
April 20,2006 Volunteer Nite Location (TBD)
April 22, 2006 The Hwy 420 Project
May 3, 2006 Your Last Chance Location (TBD) This is your last chance to volunteer at the events.
May 3-7, 2006 Cannabis Week
May 6, 2006 Queen’s Park, Toronto The Global Marijuana March