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News Flash: Mark X Goes Legal, Baby!

February 7, 2006 (SlackerNews): In a move that stunned law enforcement officials nation-wide, Mark X received his “Authorization To Possess & Cultivate Cannabis” card from Health Canada.

“We…we’re just crushed,” said one anonymous police officer. “Now there’s one less law-breaking, nun-raping, pot-smoking criminal we can go after. Unless, of course, we just ignore Mark X’s authorization-to-possess card and stomp all over his rights, like we’ve done to so many other card holders.”

It’s been a long struggle for the activist known as Mark X to get his authorization card. Seven years, nearly a whole decade. Hostile, uneducated doctors refused to believe that cannabis greatly relieved his severe depression and anxiety, so severe at times Mark X could barely move. Even the numerous popular anti-depressant medications such as Prozac and Zoloft barely made a dent in Mark X uncontrollable suicidal moods.

It was medical marijuana that did the trick. “Cannabis allows me to function, to actually be a contributing part of society,” Mark X notes. “Without marijuana, I’d be dead. Pure and simple.”

Finally, with the help of a competent psychiatrist, Mark X was able to mail the completed application forms to Health Canada. Three months and two phone calls later, Mark X received his “Authorization to Possess and Cultivate Medical Marijuana” card.

“Health Canada was actually very nice and polite to me on the phone,” says Mark X. “And three months is not that long to wait, I’ve heard of people getting their authorization card in one month even.”

“There’s still one huge problem with the card, though,” remarks the Polish-born activist. “It’s only good for one year. Our OHIP general health coverage card is usually good for at least four years! All this does is make sick people dance through the same exhausting legal hoops every eleven months to renew their right to use a natural medicine, it’s crazy. I’ve heard of disabled people being treated like dangerous criminals by the police one day after their “Authorization to Possess Cannabis” card expired. Look at it this way: if you were terminally ill in a hospital and your OHIP card expired, should the hospital toss you out on the street? Any sane, half-way intelligent person should see the problem here.”

Mark X will continue to challenge the immorality of the criminalization of cannabis with a court appearance in April. “I’ll be directly challenging the possession and growing laws for sick and disabled people. People who have their cards should be allowed to get together and pool their resources, create a grow room for their small circle of card holders instead of having to do it individually…which, face it, takes a lot of work that many sick people just cannot physically or financially afford to do. Health Canada makes no provision for disabled people forming grow-groups. This is leading to legitimate, authorized grow rooms being busted by the police, who continue to blindly serve a law created by big tobacco and pharmaceutical corporations.

Mark X grins when asked for his final thought about his card: “What is truly and morally correct, not some blind law, will eventually win out because there are just too many people now using cannabis. The hypocrisy cannot hold. If everyone was just more honest with each other, we’d have nothing to fear from the big businesses and the police using us for profit.”

Dan Hagar